The Light of Loss

My husband and I bought a house and moved in at the end of last summer. We also had a lot of loss last year. 

 

In this house there is a fan with a light in our living room that we never use because it’s pointless when you have recessed lighting. 

 

Some nights I wake up and it’s on. Bright as hell beaming into our room, right on my side of the bed. At first it always makes me super nervous but then I think “I’m pretty sure a robber or someone coming inside the house isn’t gonna turn a light on”. 

 

It has a remote and I’m sure it’s just the remote from someone else’s house crossing lines with it or some random technology thing that I will never understand. And truthfully I don’t care. 

 

Someone once said to me that when you see a Cardinal it’s someone who has passed checking on you. I was young and thought this was silly. But now I get it. 

 

This light, when it’s on and I wake up, it reminds me of death. Of the dead. Of a “wake the hell up light and realize that what you have is gorgeous and fucking spectacular and I miss you but pull your shit together and make this time count”.

 

I think of who I lost. What they would say. What they would have done differently. I see death often now and to me it was not the cardinals that remind me of the losses but this light. That grounds me and reminds me to focus here and now. 

 

Rather than allowing something to trigger you that reminds you of what you lost. Channel what you’ve gained. Think of the trigger as a sign. Maybe it’s telling you that you’re not healed. That’s really okay. Maybe it’s reminding you to slow down. Whatever it tells you. It’s there for a reason, but that’s only for you to decide. 

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